Snuck a Peak

I looked at his photo again today.

I don't miss him like I did before but today I did miss "it"... the whole being in love thing...

I thought about sex with FWB and wondered if it would ever turn into something more meaningful. Not that it isn't great now. It's great now. I just mean when the physical act is no longer as important as the emotional connection. When you stop closing your eyes and start enjoying the kind of closeness that eye contact creates... That's my favorite part about transitioning into a real relationship (not saying that we are- at least not on any conscious level in my mind).

I thought about sex with SFA and how it started as something purely physical and as we began to care for eachother, it turned into so much more. There's something really beautiful about genuinely wanting to please your partner... not because it "feels" good on any tactile or physical level for them... but simply because you love them. There's something awe-striking about showing love that way. I think I may have taken it for granted. Now that I no longer have it, I really miss it.

I didn't look at the photo long. I closed the window not thinking about how great we were together, but how much we both deserved so much more than what we were giving each other.

Hopefully one day we'll both find what we need.

*This is to say that I am simply no good at being casual. I can't settle for just "something"; I'm all or nothing....

FWB Turned Relationship

Last couple of nights hanging out with FWB, conversation has turned to the notion of being in a relationship. I play commitment-phobe and act as though the idea were repulsive. Anyone who really knew me would know this is an act... the fact that he doesn't know is precisely why we can't be together... that and a number of other factors.

1. He doesn't know me well enough to know that even if I deny it, I like him very much.

2. He doesn't know me well enough to kmow that I want to be married like tomorrow...

3. He doesn't want to be married like tomorrow...

4. He doesn't know me at all...

5. I'm afraid...

6. I'm not entirely over SFA

I come home (to my Grandmother's house where I am now residing) to tell her of my misadventures in dating. She reminds me of how I always say I'm not interested and then find myself in a ridiculous relationship with an absurd man that I think I love. She tells me this is not so different except this time he actually might really like me. I tell her it would never work out, that I'm certainly not interested, and that I'm going to bed.

I get to my room and message him, "Thanks for a great night. I really hope to see you again soon"

So much for I'm not interested...

Keeping it Together

Apparently I'm on some fucked up mailing list for the team that SFA coaches.
I got a message today.

I almost forgot how much I missed him...

Sometimes I Pray...

That he gets everything he ever wanted...

Someone to love who loves him too...
A family... a normal family...
A coaching position at a college...

I pray that all good things come his way.
That he's happy and healthy and just really loved.

That he finds trust and maybe loses some of that judgment.
That he learns how to take a chance and not second guess his feelings so much.
That one day we can be friends... or at least friendly.
Or even that he never sees me again if that's whats best.


Sometimes he's all I pray about...


I still have magical thoughts sometimes that it was all just a dream.
I could wake up and we can happy... like before.

It's not that I'm lonely. My life is full of great things, wonderful people, and lots to be done.
I don't even think I have a place for a boyfriend at this time.
And even if things went back to what they were, I still know that what they were wasn't so terrific.

I guess for better or worse, when you love; you love...
And even when it's over, that love remains...

Absolutely No Danger At All.... Riiiiight

Got a call today from a potential employer... and a call tonite from a potential... friend?

FWB called tonite and we talked for about 2 hours mostly about how much we had the other night and how we can't wait to do it again soon. Real soon. We set a date for Wednesday.

He thinks I'm gorgeous, smart, with a smoking hot body (giggle)... loves when other guys check me out (innocently of course) and feels damn lucky that I picked him to spend my free time with.

I'm in absolutely no danger at all of wanting anything more than just a good time and some good lovin'. No danger at all... yeah.

Did I mention he's sexy, fun, and good in bed??


Yep, no danger at all.... right?

FWB

The ever optimistic, believer in the abundance of good love- turned career focused woman has taken a lover.... not a love; a lover.

He's sexy, fun, and great in bed and I'm in absolutely no danger of falling in love with him. Along with trying to accomplish some goals this year (sans relationship drama), I also want to keep myself open to new possibilities- friends, lovers, cities... orientations? I figured keeping it light with a FWB would be my best option.

The only problem is I have no idea how the hell to keep anything light especially when fluids are being exchanged!

I'm a serial monogamist; a real relationship kinda girl. I'm a girl who thought I'd be married to my last couple of boyfriends. Isn't this back-sliding?

When we met we both said we wanted to just remain friends... but the kind of friends who, you know... Now we're hanging out, having SO much fun (in and out of the bedroom)... the girl in me can't help but wonder, will he change his mind?

Most days I don't feel beautiful. At 5'6 and 115lbs, sometimes I feel fat. I don't always pursue my dreams because I feel I'm not good enough... sometimes everything is shit...

I'm so nervous right now. Friday I have an interview for a real career type job. Hopefully this will be my ticket off the couch and back into the office. I've been on the couch for sooo long...

Next Wednesday, I'll be conducting an interview for my first real writing assignment. I've already contacted the musician's "people" and set the date and time. The next couple of days I'll spend reading up on the guy (I honestly had never heard of him) and hopefully crafting some good questions.

What I'm doing now is what I've needed to do (but unfortunately could not) for a long time. I need to get my mind back to a good place- a confident place. I walk around this town and feel so exposed sometimes like SFA made a public announcement on how much of a fucked up person I am... and posted my photo along with it.

After so many failures and false starts, my confidence is kinda shot. I figure with a couple successes- the job Friday and the interview (getting the gig alone was a success) and possibly a few good workouts (I could really stand some yoga- my posture is terrible right now) should put me back in a good place.

I realllllyyyy need that workout....