Something for me to think about...

Perhaps when I refer to B's "little girlfriend"- the girl he, well... you know... maybe that perpetuates the tension between us....

It just occured to me that maybe he doesn't like it too much...


You think so too?

But...you never said anything...

Oh, you did?

I'm sorry, I should listen better...



Okay sidebar: I just had to announce a call for one of partners over the intercom and I got really tongue-tied... someone was talking to me and I just couldn't get it out. I started laughing, I think I even snorted... there was a cute guy somewhere... I was still on the intercom...I halfway apologized... stopped mid-apology and hung up... it was bad. End sidebar.

That had nothing to do with the subject at hand. See why I'm so bad with the subject at hand? It's like the elephant in the room... it's there.... it's creating tension... but every time someone says "there's an ele..." I just change the subject...

This is starting to not make sense. I'm off in 10. Goobye.

My List

I'm compiling a list of qualities that I prefer in a man. If you haven't already, I suggest you do the same. Remember, "standards" is not a dirty word. And you shouldn't lower yours just because your man doesn't measure up... all that means is that he isn't the man for you. Move on.

And because I'm looking for the best man for me, he must have at least 90% of the following qualities:

1.) Must be kind. To everyone. I always believed that a person who is kind to you but not kind to the waiter is not a kind person at all.

2.) Must be funny... at least somewhat.

3.) Not gay. Best guy pals can be gay... actual boyfriends cannot. No exceptions.

4.) Not commitment-phobic.

5.) Taller than me. This is not superficial and it's not so much to ask- I'm only 5'6!

6.) Faithful. This should actually be #1. Faithful to me, to his family, the Lord (first and foremost)... his job.

7.) Must be employed. This has less to do with finances than it has to do with maturity and responsibility. I'm a student. School is hard. I get that. But after a certain age, relying on Mommy and Daddy just isn't sexy. Actually anything that involves "Mommy" or "Daddy" pretty much falls under the " just not sexy" category.

8.) Attractive. That is to say I must be attracted to him. I don't mind if he's not considered "traditionally attractive" or not.

9.) Moderate intelligence. Like he can read... carry a conversation... form opinions....

10.) Genuinely interested in a lot of the things that I'm interested in. Maybe he doesn't share my dream of adventure travelling the world but he is interested in the fact that I'm interested.


**This list is a work in progress. By no means am I finished just at 10!! **


"Do you derive joy from diving in and seeing that loving someone can actually feel like freedom?" -- Alanis Morissette 21 Things I want in a Lover

Quickie on Regrets

One night a long time ago, I called B out of the blue to tell him that I loved him and that because I loved him, I no longer regretted any of the things that I once wished I had done- like going to school out of state or living abroad in France like I had once planned to do. I told him how I felt like our love had validated all of those choices that I once looked at as mistakes... for had I not made those choices, we would not be together and life was certainly better with him than without him- even though I would have been without him in France.

But B has angered me on levels which I cannot fully comprehend nor can I articulate. He does not even know how angry I am with him. He hasn't really even done anything... recenlty... at least nothing that I can prove (or let him in on the fact that I have proof- please believe, I always have proof- it's how I get the proof that's difficult to explain). A lot of it has to do with what he hasn't done... he will never understand this either. I won't even waste my energies trying to explain it to him. The minute I start on how I'm sick to death about always worrying about how he feels... how he needs time or space or whatever the hell else he so desperately needs... or remind him of all the things I need like a hug or a kind word or to be with someone I can trust and who wants to be with me...he'll just tune me out (of course, still pretending to listen and understand) and plead insanity or some shit and then I'll be even more pissed.

I say all of this to say... I wish I had fucking gone to France when I had the chance...

That could've been me.... sigh....

So much for no regrets...

It Really Is Cancelled...

But I figured I'd fill the space with the interesting things I stumbled upon.


The Best Graffiti: After viewing this, I kinda wanted to go paint the town- literally... Okay, that was really corny but it's okay... blogging is cancelled today; I don't have to be clever or humorous... not that I usually am anyway.

Cards that really say it: Such things as "Expect a drunk dial soon" and the one about Facebook freindship. Or need a get well soon card? Try this one, "What doesn't kill you will make you suicidal"

Girls Are Evil: I didn't know it to be like a fact or anything but this pretty much proves it.



Black People Love Us: I've always loved this site. I'm glad I stumbled upon it again. It's funny b/c it's true. My only problem is with other people's reaction to the site. They have a section called letters where people have written in about their concerns. Some of them just don't get it, I hope you do though.

Here are a couple funny quotes that I stumbled upon:

Give a man a match and he'll be warm for a minute; set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. Does anyone see anything wrong with the fact that this made me think of B? Hmm...

Going to church makes you no more of a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Porn for Women: You know, the stuff that really gets us hott. Don't worry, work-friendly.

I'm not anti-immigration anyway, but if I was this picture would really make me think again... those who know me know that I'm obsessed with Chipotle burritos.

And then there's this. What to say about this... What could I say about this? Just watch and laugh... and cry.

Here are some great pictures of "Unfortunately Placed Ads".

Blogging has been Cancelled Today

Today is not a good blog day. I'm too angry about too many things and I can't articulate them so it's just making me even angrier. Will resume blogging once anger has subsided. Until then, I will "stumble" around the internet looking for things to cheer me up.

Before He Cheats

Friend: have you heard that song about the chick that found out her man was cheating on her so she carved her name in the leather seats of his car? I think of you whenever I hear it. Then I wonder how things like that could be popular and yet - they frown on it in real life.

Me: oh...they do more than frown- they prosecute...

"...I might've saved a little trouble for the next girl. Cuz the next time that he cheats.... oh, you know it won't be on me..."

--"Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood

Gypsy Lady

I neglected to tell you about my weekend! Well... Friday, I went out with friends. We got some sushi, had a few drinks, partook in a sing along (don't stop believin'...), went to Atlantic City on Saturday and oh yeah, B and I are getting married soon...

Well, kinda... Okay, maybe... Alright, I don't know... But I think that's what the Gypsy Lady was trying to say...

Saturday evening, I strolled aimlessly down the Atlantic City boardwalk; drowning in the new Fall sun - passing dozens of shops and "magic acts", when I just happened to stumble upon a Gypsy. That's exactly what I said... a Gypsy? It wasn't just the cocktails either.

She asked if she could read my palm for a minimal fee. And maybe I was bored or maybe it really was just the cocktails but I obliged. I gave her a few bucks, and she gave me a taste of my future.

So what does it have in store? Where to begin...

I'm currently "going back and forth" with a man I'm in love with- I figured that must be B.
Soon, I'll be dating two people- the man I'm going back and forth with and someone through my job.
Things start to look up in my love life in January.
I'll be a young bride (I'm actually marrying the man I'm currently going back and forth with) and have two children.
I have a legal matter that I have to attend to... ahem...
And last but not least, I'm destined for greatness!!!

I guess some of it I didn't have to pay anyone to tell me... you know, like the greatness part...

Wachovia: Financial for "Satan"

Last week somebody stole my bank card... and all of my money.
I filed a claim and the money was provisionally credited to my account pending an investigation.
This means, if they found out that it was I who stole my money, they would take the money back. Understandable. But also, if I don't sign this alledged document within 10 days, they will also take the money back. I say alledged because it has been 10 days and I still have not seen (nor signed) this document. Notice, I didn't say that they would alledgedly take the money back because it has been 10 days and they have taken the money back.

So in essence, last week I had no card, no money.
Then I had money and no card
Then I had a card with no pin.
And now I have a pin with no money...

And only 1 hour of sleep last nite... I'd say today is my day (but then I'd also be lying).

The District

Hmm...where should I begin? Oh, okay...well, for starters- I'm working on 1 hours (maybe that much) of sleep and I have to be at work... and semi alert... for the next 7 hours. And even better, I have a 2 1/2 hour class tonite. There is no way I should be allowed to be on a computer... I'm seeing double on the monitor and my hands are shaking from all the caffeine so it's a little hard to type.

I went to K Street Lounge in DC last nite. I had a good time until I realized it was 5 am and we were still in DC. I met a man who made me giggle all nite. He was so extra lively. He was two-steppin', walkin' it out, the thriller dance! Honestly, he had me at thriller. I really thought he was gay until he asked for my number so that we can "party like rockstars again"... actually, now that I play that back in my mind, I'm pretty sure he was gay. Even better. That way we can party like rockstars, no strings attached. Did I mention he drives a rolls royce? Who drives a rolls royce? Apparently he does. After K Street, he took me and my friends out to eat which was delightful because he and his friends pretty much entertained themselves, and when we were finished eating, we were allowed to just leave. No false pretenses. No fake reaching for the purse. We just left. This whole "free" thing just might be okay... I guess until I get tired of dating gay men. But really...how could I get tired of that?

If Someone Can Walk Away From You... Let Them

Good Morning Everyone!

On my way to work this morning, I was listening to some advice on the Steve Harvey Morning Show. A girl... around my age... had written into the show with her "problem".... she was tired of being single. As a newly single woman, I can sympathize with her but after listening to Steve Harvey, I have a new perspective.

First, he said, stop saying "single" like it's a negative. Instead, say "free" because that's really what you mean. Like her, I am soon to be college educated, with a car, a job, no kids, and no drama... basically, I'm free. I'm free to go out with my girls, date if I want to, and make zero apologies for doing either (or neither, for that matter).

Secondly, I have so much more to be worried about. Instead of worrying about a man, I could be worrying about.... say, Biology... or Social History of American Medicine... Right now, my energy needs to be focused on graduating and establishing myself. And truthfully... the wrong man could fuck all of that up.

And speaking of the wrong man... Be careful what you ask for. Be careful. It's that important. One thing I've learned... when you ask God to send you someone, He ain't the only one listening... and He's not the only one who can send you somebody. To borrow from my Granny, when you set a trap in the woods, you can catch anything.

So that's how I'm feeling about being singl...err, free.

The Bible says: "They came out from us so that it may be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt, they would have continued with us." -- 1 John 2:19

This is now how I'm going to view this break up situation. Maybe... we just weren't meant to be. And that's okay too. Like the Bishop T. D. Jakes says in his "Let It Go" sermon, it doesn't mean that he's a bad person, it just means that his part in my story is over. Sometimes the very thing we're trying desperately to keep together is the same thing God needs to break up.

So to borrow once again from the Bishop...

When people can walk away from you... let them walk. Your destiny was never tied to anyone who left...

So there you have it. I'm officially embracing my freedom! Now, what to do...

George W.

As you probably have already guessed.. I'm extremely busy at work. Right. I'm terribly bored.
If I continue on this road, I might end up like that poor kid who died of ennui. See what I mean? Give me a topic, I guarentee I have a website to reference.

But below is a passage I read just a few minutes ago... I enjoyed it, I hope you will too.


Integrity Test

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and consider each line - this is important for the test to work accurately.

You're in Florida... In Miami, to be exact... There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods... There are huge masses of water all over you... You are a CNN photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water. Nature is showing all its destroying power and is ripping everything away with it.

Suddenly you see a man in the water, he is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar.

Suddenly you know who it is - it's George W. Bush!

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away... forever. You have two options. You can save him or you can take the best photo of your life. So you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo. A unique photo displaying the death of one of the world's most powerful men.
And here's the question (please give an honest answer)

Would you select color film, or go with the simplicity of classic black and white?

Happiness Is...

I was in line for some coffee this afternoon when a co-worker approached me with a dating dilemma. Mind you, for a couple of weeks following the incident I had with B...you know, the one for which we ended up in the court, the one I refuse to discuss; I was the talk of the office... practically infamous for one of the greatest (most hilarious as long as it didn't happen to you) dating tragedies. But for some reason, this lady felt like I could shed some light on her issue- maybe she could sense that I had a certain expertise in matters concerning men who won't do right.

While currently pending a divorce, she had been dating an "incredible" man who very recently and very suddenly stopped contacting her. She wasn't exactly devastated, just reasonably confused by the situation. I listened to her tell her story and relate it to other women's stories in our office- all professional, well-educated, beautiful women... all having the same common problem: men.

I couldn't help but think, is it worth it? For all that we endure- the pain of loving, the pleasure of lonliness... is it ever properly balanced out? Do we ever get as much as we give? As women, from birth we are spoon fed the notion that in order to be happy we must find and fall in love with men, get married, and have babies... and possibly become teachers, but only as a back-up. So, what happens when you fall in love but you're the only one in it? What happens when you don't get married and don't have babies? Are you to be less happy? Not happy at all? Are you less then a woman?

All of the stories I heard today were from women at least 15 years older than me. Many of whom I admired for having seemingly stable traditional lives. I thought by the time I got to where they are I'd either have it figured out or be content with how things were- however they may turn out. In my more magical thoughts- 15 years from now I'm happily married with children, still living my writer's fantasy except published, with a husband who not only supports my vocation but also relishes in it. But if that's my idea of happiness, how do I respond when in 15 years, I'm not married... or published. What then? My co-worker said something that although very simple, was very meaningful. While it was worth noting, the fact that this "incredible" man hadn't contacted her wasn't that big of a deal. We've all been hurt before... it's like anything else- after awhile, you build a tolerance. The key, she said, is to know yourself.

So as long as I maintain a sense of self, no matter what happens, in 15 years I'll be okay


...as long as I'm married and published....

Social History of Lesbian American Policy Something Or Other...

I hate school. One day, one day soon, I will graduate and will never again be forced to sit through 2 1/2 hours of the Social History of American Medicine. I actually thought I had an exam last night, but it isn't until the 3rd of October... thank God. I haven't even bought the book... and since I sleep through the lectures, I might actually have to.

But speaking of kids who sleep through class and don't read their text books. I stumbled upon this site... it actually had me laughing out loud at work. Enjoy.

(Notice how none of my posts are B related today? Yep...I'm trying to purge myself of all things B. We'll see...)

Roe V. The Zombies

Micromanage This...

Above: Portrait of someone's boss-like figure

attempting to micromanage them.

Because I am admittedly aloof....this is the scene: A lady walks in and asked to see someone in our mortgage department. At the same time, a "boss-like" figure waltz into the lobby and stands in front of me. I call the person whom the lady asked to see.

Boss-like figure: (whispering so that only I can hear him) Would you like a drink...

Me: (excited, in a "I thought you'd never ask" kinda tone) Yes! I have been having the worst day...

Boss-like figure: (interrupting) No, ask her if she would like a drink.

Oops...

(for some reason this post isn't saving the format correctly so pardon me for it's jumbled-ness...)

Love Is...

Some people forget that love is
tucking you in and kissing you
"Good night"
no matter how young or old you are

Some people don't remember that
love is listening and laughing and asking questions
no matter what your age

Few recognize that love is
commitment, responsibility
no fun at all
unless

Love is

You and me


-Nikki Giovanni

Big Girls Don't Cry...

Why does my heart go on beating?
Why do these eyes of mine cry?
Don't they know it's the end of the world?
It ended when you said good-bye.

I'm not sure whether or not it was intentional on my part, but somehow I landed in an argument with B a few moments ago. We've had a few of these types of arguments- the kind that begin and end absolutely nowhere- the kind that leave me in tears at the front desk... a place you should never be when crying... The kind that leave me answering my own questions- and I always have the most dismal answers... i.e. Does he still love me? His answer: Of course I do; My answer: What? Are you kidding?? I just have a natural knack for pessimism.

I took a step back.

Got a drink of water.

Asked someone to cover the front desk for a minute while I got myself together.

And it helped.

I thought about what he said to me...from his perspective and how it probably didn't sound the same in his head as it did in mine. I convinced myself, after awhile, that what he said to me was not to intentionally hurt my feelings...it wasn't some malicious attempt at getting even with me for God knows what... it was just how he honestly feels. This I must accept... even if I don't understand. But I do understand... even when I tell him that I don't. I understand how freeing it must be to do whatever, whenever, and not have to worry about who you're disappointing in the process- who's going to be let down or upset. I understand the guilt associated with even feeling like you're disappointing someone- even if that said person claims to "understand"- as I would...and be secretly crushed. I understand but I tell him that I don't because I don't want to give validity to his reasons. It's silly and little bit delusional to think that my denial of understanding could somehow cause to view his own feelings as irrational. I try anyway. I guess I had too many expectations. I thought by taking the next step- we'd move towards engagement, not termination...

But the real reason I'm so upset is because I honestly thought we were making strides. Things weren't perfect but I thought we were making steps in the right direction. We were speaking more, seeing more of eachother, making plans to see even more of eachother. So you can see how I could get confused. I told him it wasn't fair and that if he didn't want to be with me now- he'd never want to be with me. There's never going to be a time when loving someone becomes convenient. There just isn't. Love is, by nature, inconvenient. If it's not painfully inconvenient, you're not doing it right. Love is waking up at 4am to pick up your drunk girlfriend because she wrecked her car. It's also getting up at 8am to pickup your drunk boyfriend from the police station. It isn't even doing it with a smile on your face. That's infatuation. People who are infatuated with eachother tend to smile at eachother a lot- people in love know that you don't have to be happy about it, you just have to do it because that's what love compells you to do. There isn't another way... the inconvenience of it all is intrinsic to the bond.

I guess I know now... I guess I've never not known. Things are different now. The dynamics of our relationship has changed in such a way that no longer coincide with the way I feel. I've loved him even when everyone in the world begged me not to... it doesn't get anymore inconvenient then that. I loved him because the earth revolves around the sun... and the moon around the earth... and the stars are the in sky.... because it was the only natural thing to do. But I can't do this. Because sometimes I'll need a hug... or a kiss... or an impromptu kind word... an out of the blue "I love you"... and if that no longer fits the paradigm of our relationship, then perhaps neither do I.

if you love me why
do i feel so lonely...
and why do i always wake up alone
and why am i practicing
not having you to love
i never loved you that way...
-Nikki Giovanni

Working Girl Fantasies

I've decided to be a writer. I guess. I'm not sure what that exactly entails but I think it'll suit my lifestyle- or the lifestlye I aspire to have. I want to travel and live in exotic places... or just places other than Baltimore. I want to have experiences and then write about said experiences.

I've considered just leaving. Leaving Baltimore behind. Sometimes I think that's the only way I'll really move on from this B-saster (that means disaster involving B). But that isn't the only reason. Before B and I got serious, I had plans to study abroad in France but after we, "fell in love", I gave that dream up for a seemingly better dream... to be with him, until- well, you've been reading so you already know. It isn't his fault... it was my decision- a decision I can't exactly say I regret because I wouldn't trade my experiences with him (surprisingly both the good and the bad) for France but still, it would have been nice. I probably would have graduated by now and be a whole lot less heart broken... and probably minus the anxiety disorder.

Wait Just a Minute...

It's Tuesday and I'm just remembering that I got stood up on Sunday!!!

Granted, I had already scheduled a B Date and B Dates currently trump all others... but what if I hadn't? What if I had been waiting patiently for this once potential suitor to arrive on his chariot and whisk me away? Hmm??? Then what?
And the nerve of him... who stands a girl up and doesn't bother to call and at least make up a good story as to why?! I would have accepted practically anything car or death in the family related but this, this I tell you, is unacceptable!

God; the Universe, Whatever Else, and Her

I began this post on 9/18/07 and never finished and since my S.A.D. has finally kicked in and I can't find any words to express this overwhelming (insert whatever synonym for sadness of your choice here) that I am now experiencing, I will continue with it...

I am truly irrational. I understand this. B knows this. And many of those close to me appreciate me for this. I think up crazy, "never in a million years" circumstances, I dwell on them, and then finally- I freak out. It's a pattern that I, and the people who love me, have come to tolerate.


The majority of the time, I expressed this irrationality through hypochondria. I diagnose myself with stigma-bearing illnesses and subsequently deal with the associated shame for weeks before ever consulting a certified physician. I once had a spider bite on my thigh that resulted in a small bump. And while cognitively, I knew that it was a spider bite, and that it was midway my thigh, I convinced myself that it was herpes. Days later, my doctor laughed at me as I tried to convince her also. I remember once when B and I first started dating seriously, I called him in the middle of the night, crying hysterically, because I just knew I had cancer- because why else would I have scheduled a doctor's appointment for the next morning. Somewhere, deep in my subconscious, I must've felt the cancer inside me and was compelled to schedule an appointment- nevermind the postcard from my ob/gyn reminding me to schedule a yearly exam. But of course, he- the ever-consoler, invited me over so that he could hold me until I calmed down. That night I felt so much love and so much compassion that cancer was no longer an issue.

I used to think that in my relationship with B, we kinda balanced eachother out. I'd go out, get drunk, and dance on a table... and he'd tell me about it in the morning because he, sensible man he is, was sober enough to remember. I'd get irrationally angry and he'd remind me that ladies don't use that kind of language.


I used to get nervous whenever he had to drive long distances, or travel on a plane. At night, if I hadn't heard from him by a certain time, I'd panic just a little. I prayed (would inserting the word "religiously" make this redundant?) for God to keep watch over him whenever he was away from me, and in the same fashion, to keep watch over us both...
Love is a delicate thing, you know...


I always thought that if we were somehow to be terminally separated, it'd be because it was his time to go. That some uncontrollable force... nothing he or I did, just something out of our hands, would cause his untimely demise and I'd live the rest of my life in mourning. He was always so practical and steadfast so you see, when it wasn't God; the universe, or whatever other force of nature, that caused us to no longer be together- I was terribly confused to say the least. I honestly couldn't believe it. How naive was I that another woman never entered my mind... until she had already entered our bedroom.

So I no longer spend my energies fearful of car accidents and plane crashes. I don't try to keep him safe with the power of my mind and I don't try to make deals with God about getting us back together. I try to focus on other important things, like my sanity. Now that it's fall, and I'm falling back into old patterns of self-destruction coupled with this loss- the loss of something that at one point in time was the single most important component in my life- it is imperative that I use this will of mine to keep my mind safe because sometimes you do lose things. You lose your keys. You lose your place in line. You lose loved ones and lovers. But the most devastating loss, a loss for which there is no compensation, is when you lose your mind and that's a loss I cannot afford...

Shakespeare on Love...

Guilty by Suspicion

I awoke in the middle of the night last night to that ever familiar panicked feeling. I wouldn't be exaggerating if I told you that I woke up in a cold sweat...close to tears and terribly confused. I'm starting to wonder if these are, in fact, panic attacks. At any rate, I needed to speak with him. I had called before I fell off to sleep but I kept getting his voicemail...which probably stirred the suspicion that ultimately led to the attack. I guess I needed to hear his voice because that's what I had been used to for so long- his voice being the last sound I heard before I went to sleep- but more than that, I needed to know that he was alone.

The more time I spend with B, the more I'm beginning to realize that he was right. I might never get over what happened. I might never trust him again and at the same time, he may still not be trustworthy. I know other girls call him- which leads me to believe that he must be entertaining other women- and I know he's not always with me- which leads me to believe that he must be with someone else some of the time. It's a truly horrible feeling, to love someone with so much of yourself- but not be able to give any of that towards trusting him.

And what is trust anyway but blind faith. I understand having faith in a higher power but is it necessary for me to have faith in a man, man who is by definition flawed? But can any relationship survive without it? And if not, how do you restore your faith in someone after they have betrayed you?


We forgive to the extent that we love. -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Separate but Equal Futures

While eating last night, B and I began discussing our futures... our separate futures. I told him how I still wanted to live in France for sometime and thought I'd fit in quite nicely in New York- where I can live out my struggling, yet trendy, writer fantasy. He said how he still wanted to move to Miami.

I can't help but to wonder if all of this is the makings of a new beginning or just a continuation of our end... We used to talk about where we wanted to live in the future as if it were a place we'd be living together... now, it's like we're planning to separated. I guess there's my answer.

Absolutely Un-Fabulous

This weekend at a glance: Friday I slept...and that's all there is to say about that. By 5:30, I was home from work, by 6pm, I was fast asleep and remained so until around noon the next day.

Saturday, I was all ready to hit the mall with my Grandmother except for one big problem- I couldn't find my bank card. After searching high and low- even driving to my job to look around my desk- I finally called the bank. My heart literally dropped to my stomach when I heard the automated voice say, "Your available balance is 95 cents". 95 cents?! 95 CENTS!?!?!

If you haven't guessed already, somebody has stolen my bank card and all of my money. What makes matters worst is that they got money from out of the ATM- meaning they knew my pin number. Granted, my pin was pretty easy, you'd have to have known me to guess it...meaning the culprit is someone I know. Quite possibly someone I once regarded as a friend.

The good news is my bank has replaced the stolen money less $50 for being a dumbass (my pin apparently was easy enough to guess; therefore, it's my fault); however, I still plan to file a police report being that ATMs have cameras these days. I really hope that some really lucky stranger stole it and not someone I know. All I know is that I deserve a big present (when I get my card back) for not flipping out!

But moving on... Saturday afternoon, I went to a Reggae/Brewfest at the Zoo with my cousins. We had a pretty good time... It wasn't fabulous, but there was reggae and there was beer so they did hold up there end of the bargain. Afterwards, me and the ladies got dolled up and went to Pazo which can be best described as overrated... as well as chic and Medditeranean. It's actually a quite fabulous venue, I only wish the patrons were as fabulous. I spent a large portion of the evening watching this very drunk blonde girl flirt and occassionally disappear with random men throughout the night. It went from entertaining to disturbing very quickly though. I was starved so I ordered some of the pricey food and must say I was very amazed by how much one could spend in relation to how little one could be served. All in all, I guess it was a fair time.

Sunday, I slept until 5pm. Made plans with B and finally got together with him at around 8:30. We grabbed a quick bite and some drinks and watched some football. Afterwards, we went back to his place to burn off the calories from the food and drink. Was that too much information? Sorry but after that bank card fiasco, I deserved it!

Men of Mystery

Whatever the opposite of fabulous is... that's how I'm feeling this morning. I was forced to go out last nite when all I wanted was to stay in and watch 300 and now I feel sick. It was an interesting night though. I'd say we made our own fun. That usually happens when it's ladies night and the bar is packed with women, but last night that wasn't the case; the ratio was actually to our benefit... I guess. I can't even say there wasn't any eye candy 'cause there was. I guess I just wasn't interested...

By midnight, I was sufficiently exhausted and far past ready to go home but alas, my girlfriend was chatting up some guy who ranked at about a 4 on the sex appeal scale. I was sitting with my back to the bar, arms folded; the perfect please don't speak to me position, when this remarkably attractive, muscle-bound fellow came toward me and asked me when I was going to let him take me out. A little presumptious, yes, but I obliged. He proceeded to tell me how he was an ex football player, how I'd probably look better with a shorter cut, and that he didn't call women- women called him. I'd say he was more than just a little full of himself and equally as shocked after I declined when he told me to take his number and give him a call... made a remark about me being old-fashioned (which unbeknownst to him was actually somewhat of a compliment) and that it was my loss. Oh well. I thought about the conversation we had and the alterring between compliments and criticism. So I immediately delved back into my roladex of obscure psychologies and pulled up what is known as, The Mystery Method.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with this method of "seduction", let me break it down. Men are idiots... some women appear to be idiots but they're just insecure. And unfortunately for them, men prey on this. Erik Von Markovik, the pick-up artist to whom The Mystery Method can be attributed, would have us believe that this method is based on intrigue by way of not so much insulting, but confusing the "target" (how he refers to the prospective date). This is done by commenting in such a way that would suggest that you are not sexually attracted to the "target". However, we women know that it's just a ploy that not-so-confident men use to fake confidence and ultimately lighten the blow when they're turned down. But the downside for the man is this: he's not-so-confident so he's going to not-so-confidently fake confidence. It won't be attractive. Confidence is key... and oh so sexy...

But, as much as I hate to admit it, there are many women, presumably with low self esteem, who probably do consent to this type of behavior. Of course, as we would expect, Markovik doesn't admit that his system is designed to prey on the insecurities of these women. In fact, Markovik claims to have designed this theory specifically for seemingly unapproachable beautiful women who have been so conditioned to guard against superficial forms of flattery that the "nice guy" approach is simply ineffective. So in essence, when you see a pretty girl sitting alone it isn't because she actually enjoys her own company, she's just waiting for you to come over and be mean to her!

Here's the Mystery Method in a nutshell...

1) Attraction: Engage in conversation. Seem genuinely interested in "target" for reasons other than her looks. Keep "target" invested in this interaction. Basically, lie to her... tell her what you think she wants to hear. But in the case of most men, they don't have a clue when it comes to what we want to hear.

2) Comfort: Build rapport with the "target". This can take hours. It is most crucial to build trust in order to move on to the ultimate phase of a sexual relationship... because when a man preys on insecure women, a sexual relationship is all he's looking for...


3) Seduction: The final stage leading to a sexual encounter. Erik Von Markovik warns his pupils of the Last Minute Resistance (LMR). Pupils are advised not to give in when a women says, "we shouldn't be doing this." Instead, you must stay the course... get laid. It's kinda like by any means necessary. I'd say this is a slippery slope...


My question is, what ever happened to that thing called honesty? Why is being up front about your feelings now considered a bad thing? Why can't you tell a person how absolutely fabulous they are without running the risk of scaring them away? How did showing real genuine interest get such a bad rap?

Mean Reds

Moon River, wider than a mile
I'm crossing you in style someday.
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker,
wherever you're going, I'm going your way.
Two drifters off to see the world.
There's such a lot of world to see.
We're after the same rainbow's end--
waiting 'round the bend,
my huckleberry friend,
Moon River and me.


...the mean reds, far worse than the blues. When you have the blues, you're just sad. The mean reds are when you're scared and you're not sure why...

What Matters...

My drive to work in the morning is anything but easy. Peeling the covers off at 7am is a feat within itself, but it's the drive that's most troublesome. When I first started my job, it took approximately 15 minutes to get to work each morning. Now that school has begun and city traffic has become even more unpredictable than usual, I'm averaging about an hour.

In light of this, last week, I had some issues getting to work on time. Was expectedly reprimanded and since have made efforts to be more timely. This morning, I left my house a half hour earlier and proceeded to make my way through stop and go traffic. At around 8:05, I looked at my clock and smiled to myself thinking of the wonderful progress I had made... at that point, I was about 20 minutes ahead of schedule. Then, just as I finished congratulating myself the unthinkable happened.... a flat tire!

What happened next can only be described as immediate tearfulness. The idea of being late... once again and given that look was completely stressing. I felt like I was having an anxiety attack. I had no idea I was keeping so much in. I guess this was the proverbial straw that broke my back. Eventually, I got it together... my phone was of no use so I had to use a pay phone... after wasting 75 cents, I finally got B on the line who came and picked me up. It was nice having someone to rely on. I thought about how lonely I had been feeling lately; how alone I felt on that unfamiliar road by myself, in the rain, with the flat tire. And I realized even if we don't make it to dinner and sometimes it seems as though we're moving in completely opposite directions... when it really counts, when it really comes down to it, he's still only a phone call away...

The Same, Only Different

I spoke with B off and on throughout the day. He was feeling pretty ill after an entire weekend (starting with me on Thursday) filled with liquor, strippers, and surely several other debaucherous anecdotes of which I know nothing. Because I strive to be a mother to all, I really enjoyed telling him what to do to feel better. What's more, he listens like it's the Gospel... which it may very well could be if there were a section devoted to hangovers. I'd say I'm very much qualified to take on the task of writing those chapters. Much not to my surprise, he cancelled on our dinner date but offered to reschedule for anywhere I'd like later on tonite. I fully intend to take him up on this...

Later in the night, or this morning rather, I found myself unable to sleep. I was kept awake by panic and worry but I couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was that I was so worried about. I wrestled with the idea of calling him back... something I would have done months ago when everything was good between us. I wasn't sure if it was still in my boundaries to do so. Besides that, I didn't want to get my feelings hurt any worse by calling and being sent to his voicemail. If I know one thing about me from all of this, it's that I don't take rejection too kindly. I would have felt ignored and then I would have fished for a reason why he was ignoring. The only two things I would have deduced from it all was that he 1) was shacking up with some tramp and 2) he hated me.

I set all of this aside, against my better judgement though, and called. Much to my surprise, he answered. I wanted to tell him everythingI was feeling and thinking. But it was late. And we both had to get up early. And what good would it do to tell him all those things again. That things are still the same because I'm still the same, only it's different now because he's still different. But the only difference is that he's too foolish to realize that he's the same and if he could only be different then we could be the same, only different...

Plan B

I spent a lot of time out this weekend, practicing being single and I got to thinking about relationships. I was reminded of my relationship with B and how, for a short while, it was so full of promise. I had our whole lives planned out. Marriage, children, buying a home, vacations... I thought I had thought about everything. Everything except for a plan B; or rather B's plan. What if my plan for us wasn't his plan for us. Maybe we weren't on the same timeline. What happens when we don't get married and we don't, as promised, live happily ever after because love didn't conquer all? What do I do when it's over? How will I deal with the end and begin again?

It dawned on me this weekend that it really could be over. And as much as I didn't want to admit that maybe he just doesn't love me anymore, at least not the same kind of love that sustains a relationship... I never considered, oddly enough, how I felt about him. I didn't consider that the realization that I too may be falling out of love- although only as a response to the lack of love I have been receiving from him lately- would hurt just the same. I feel like we're at a standstill and someone has to make the first move... but to where?

Happy Birthday

Today is officially B's birthday. Last night, we went out for food and drinks and I gave him the better part of his present. The shoes. He actually really liked them. I was so glad. I also gave him a somewhat heartfelt card that wasn't intended for birthday use. Oh well...I liked it. I wrote some words inside of it that meant a lot to me. I didn't exactly get the reaction I was hoping for. Surprise, right? He was definitely appreciative but I guess I was looking for more agreeance.

We enjoyed some good quality time at the restaraunt. That is to say, we enjoyed each other's company until we started to argue... I guess you could say, for ol' time's sake. He just had to bring up the incident*... the one for which we ended up in court. So I said to him... it's real easy to talk about the things that I have done, you know, mistakes that I have made but what about you? We just ignore what you did to me that would make me feel like doing that to you. He came back with a piss-poor admittance to some of the wrongs he has committed against me. It was pretty ugly for awhile... but then I remembered it's his birthday and anyway, he's been an asshole for going on two years and thus far I've pretty much just let it slide, why stop on his birthday? But on the issue of paying him back for what I did, I asked him, who's going to compensate me? I also told him what I've been telling myself the last couple of days... I'm not sure if I can do this. I really think I deserve more. I can't be light-hearted and casual with him when I know that this thing between us isn't right. It's like a big fuckin' white elephant in the room that everybody wants to ignore. And I say white elephant because it truly may be more trouble than it's worth.


*The incident may or may not involve property damage for which I fully intend to repay the victim (namely, B). But in my defense, it was only a reaction to how I was being treated at the
time.

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Moving On: Step 1

Went out again last nite with the friend I mentioned before. Had a good time until he asked me to be his girlfriend... I felt kinda bad after I told him, quite abruptly, that I simply can't do it. Luckily for me he just left it at that.

Somehow we got on the topic of me and B. He already knew the situation which to me made it odd that he would even think that I'm ready to be somebody else's girlfriend... He asked me if I was still in love. I answered honestly. I'm falling out of love more and more each day. It's a sad truth, but it is a truth. How much am I supposed to take? Every time he doesn't tell me that he loves me, it automatically translates to "I don't love you". Every day we go without speaking, it translates to "I don't want to talk to you." It's constant rejection, intentional or not.

And then I think about the fact that he's the one who decided that he didn't want to be with me anymore. Why would I want someone who doesn't want me? My self-esteem is definitely higher than that. I said before, one day I'll wake up and will have had enough of this...

Currently playing around with templates. I know it's ugly right now. Be patient, I'll get it together!

i carry your heart -- e.e. cummings

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Birthday Suits

I'm vacillating back and forth between looking for a present for B's birthday and calling him to tell him that I can't do this anymore. Around 4 am this morning, I actually dialed his number to tell him that I can't do this anymore. He didn't answer. I wasn't sure if I was glad or not. So I'm in an odd place... somewhere between making birthday plans for him and calling off the entire faux relationship.

I intend for us to spend Thursday and Saturday nights together. On either day, I wanted to go to the Melting Pot. I'm sure he's never been.... but I'm not sure if he'd ever like to go. I figure, if it's on me- he'll put up with it. But I was also kinda thinking that we could stay in one night and I'd cook. That sounds like a good Thursday night plan. And since we'll be waking up together on Sunday- I figure I can squeeze myself into that day also.

Or... I can just tell him that I'm sick of this shit and move on with my life.

If I go with option A, I have to also buy a present which is another stressor because B doesn't like anything. If I go with B, I save all the money I would have used for the outing and gift and take myself shopping. Sounds simple enough... too bad it isn't. I guess I better get to looking for presents...

Hope Floats

I'd say I had a pretty good weekend. Friday, I went to Happy Hour...knocked back a few (dozen) and drunk dialed B... one of my newest and soon to be getting old past times. Saturday, I found myself at the same lounge as always surrounded by the same people... including Eric who if we remember refuses to speak to me. Tangent: I still find this mildly amusing...except when I forget and automatically say hi and there's no response. I comeback quick though with a "Oh right, I wouldn't' sleep with you. My bad!" End Tangent. And Sunday, I went to a hole in the wall bar and played pool (badly) with a cute stranger. Yep, 'twas a good weekend.

However today, as I reflected on the weekend, I couldn't help but dwell on the fact that I didn't meet anyone significant... or insignificant for that matter. Are there any phone calls I should be waiting on? Hmm...nope. No one. I was out there. I was pretty... I tried to be charming and act receptive to come on's and pick-up lines... but still no one. And as much fun as I've been having trying on this new single outfit, I still have to admit, deep down in places we don't like to discuss on Saturday nights... I'm lonely. The loneliness has become palpable. But then I think about B and the last night we spent together... I was lonely then too. I'm not sure what's worse, feeling lonely when you are actually, in fact, alone or...

Before B realized on Friday that I hadn't called him just to chat and that he was actually being drunk dialed, he openned up a bit about what's going on between us. I'd like to tell you that I remember all that he said but remember, I was drunk. But whatever his words were, they were to the tune of don't give up on us. I've held onto that for so long. It's been somewhere between 4-5 months. That's almost 1/2 of an entire year spent in relationship limbo. I'm just not sure if I have it in me anymore. I'm fighting so hard to believe in someone who hasn't given me any reason to have hope. And maybe that's the problem right there. Hope. How do you know when you've crossed the line over to delusional? Is hope what's holding us back from moving forward with our lives... even if that means our separate lives?