Busy... at Work?!?

Yes, actually... for the last couple of days, I've actually been doing work which has cut down my blogging and stumbleupon time drastically... today I was seeing all these new websites for the first time, new trends I had never seen before, I felt so out of the loop.

I've been coming up with new ideas for a new and improved blog.
I'm considering keeping this secondary as more of a journal type outlet and embarking on a blog with an actual theme.

I have a few ideas in the making... keep a look out for them.

On a more personal note... I was kinda excited today... I think I might actually like someone. I won't talk about it here... at least not in any specific detail... but that's what's new in my life. Excited for me? I knew you would be...

Only thing, he hasn't called. Not that it was a call you every day type thing anyway.... but when you spend time (or a night rather...) with someone, no matter what you try to do to keep things light, you always wind up with something much heavier than you orginally bargained for...

For example:

Does he like me?

Will he call me?

Where is this going?

I don't want to be the where is this going girl...

And then comes the daydreams...

I had once mastered the art of being unattached, unsentimental, unromantic.... all these things that I had been striving on in this new dating frenzy... all out the window. Daydreaming? I'm not sure how I feel about that...

I expected more from me...

So Much To Say...

I didn't sleep well last night. I had a lot of thoughts... mostly random... I do believe they could have waited until this morning. I wasn't exactly ready to resolve anything in my life at 4am but I guess when it comes...

I was almost tempted get out of my bed and onto my computer to blog about it but I figured I'd remember.

I had a lot that I wanted to write about today... things that don't necessarily mesh well into one entry so expect several today... (who exactly am I directing that to? I don't know...)

I guess I can start with this...

I was watching The Family Stone last night... it comes on HBO so very often but I never got into it... until around midnight last night...

There was a line in the movie that was so contrived but oh so endearing.

The character, Ben, played by that guy whose name I can't remember, and Sarah Jessica Parker's character, Meredith, were sitting in the car- completely wasted. And it was snowing... and anyone who knows me knows how I feel about the snow... especially when looking out at it from a warm car... I don't know what it is but I can't wait until that time this year....

But I digress... earlier that day, Ben told Meredith that he had a dream about her the previous night... mind you, Meredith is Ben's brother's fiance however they had a falling out and at this point in the movie it becomes clear that they are just not meant to be and perhaps she's meant to be with someone else... a la Ben, the brother...

So Meredith turns to Ben and says, "You had a dream about me last night. You never told me what I was doing"... and Ben says...

"You were shoveling snow... you were a little girl in a flannel gown shoveling snow outside my house... and I was the snow. And everywhere I fell, you picked me up..."

And it was so corny and so contrived but it was snowing... and he was so serious... so it was perfect. And I feel like I want someone to dream about me and then tell me about it and have it be perfect....

I know life isn't always perfect... but there are moments, that exist outside of the movies... that really are... I'm thinking I need one of those moments right about now....

Happy (Belated) Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was great... the food was wonderful... the parties were even better. Stayed in Wednesday night... accompanied a some friends to a club Thursday night after dinner where we all got incredibly drunk and I almost got married.... I won't explain lol.

Friday was drama. My car got towed (that's what I get for staying out ALL night) and I wound up having to pay $600 to get it back. I joked that if I didn't still owe money on it I would have let them keep it... I was serious though. I really kinda hate my car, but it gets me around so I really can't complain too much...

I stayed in Friday night and watched Eddie Murphy's Raw which was hilarious. I'd do that again... even on a Friday night. Tanqueray was involved... but either way it would have been fun.

Saturday night my good friend and I went out again. The club was completely empty when we got there... and maybe 5 people were there at 11:15... but we stuck it out like true party girls and by 11:45 it was jumpin. We wound up having a really good time, my friend found love and I heard the most interesting compliment... apparently, a part of my anatomy looks, and I quote.. "better than Thanksgiving".... wow. What's even more interesting it's the guy from the club who was upset that I wouldn't sleep with him... you know, b/c he was entitled to it??? He said that the night I explained to him that just because I speak to him does not mean that I plan to sleep with him his feelings were hurt... apparently no one has ever told him anything like that before... he didn't know how to deal lol... he said he walked out of the room feeling like a criminal.... Hmm...

Sunday night... I had a date. It was very nice. We had dinner and saw a movie. We actually went to a new theatre downtown that I was particularly impressed by because it had a bar. Not that I really needed the drinks... we had wine at dinner and I always get sleepy after wine which attributed to my inattentiveness during the movie... and my falling asleep later.

Anyway... the weekend was good... now I'm back at work... hating it... showing that I hate it...

But, as promised....

Here is a picture of myself, featuring the new haircut...

Celebrate

This weekend was pretty uneventful.
I hung out at the usual places with the usual people. It was fun, but I don't think anything significant happened.

B texted me Friday night... or Saturday morning rather at around 3:30 am.

I hadn't heard from him in weeks.
I had gotten used to the idea of not hearing from him... not needing to speak to him.
Now I feel like I've been thrown back into all that emotional bullshit that I thought I had finally escaped.
...Him saying something semi-sweet... me feeling like he's full of it but acting the complete opposite... allowing him to affect me.

He texted to tell me that we had "4 more days" (that's all it said) until our anniversary.
And although I have always been resigned to the notion that one must currently be in a relationship to celebrate an anniversary, I was still pleased that he had remembered. I do; however, understand (or simply believe) that it was just his way of drawing me back into him, maintaining the upperhand- seeing that I was still available to him... which apparently, by my willingness to accept his dinner invitation, I was.

I'm going to skip the bullshit that followed- it's no surprise that while he asked me to "celebrate" with him tonite, I'm at home writing about it. He's a liar... liars lie. I'm not sure why I'm even the slightest bit surprised that he would stand me up.

I got to thinking about the significance of romance. I feel like my entire life, I've held onto these romantic notions that these "moments" actually meant something. Watching the sunrise, laying in the grass one starry night, sharing a special kiss, or a bottle of wine by the lake. I've had all of these experience and while they were special... and significant to me at the time... I can't help but remember thinking, "I wish I was experience this with someone else"... even if I didn't know who that "someone else" was.

I've spent entire years, experiencing, wishing I was sharing those significances with a someone else that I hadn't even met... someone I didn't even know existed. Someone who would understand the importance of really knowing one another or sharing with one another thoughts, or ideas, or expressions that you didn't share with anyone else. Isn't that what intimacy is anyway? I guess what I mean is, I always wished that I shared those moments... those intimacies... with someone who simply knew... who simply understood...

So we've got this 2 year anniversary... and I've racked my entire brain trying to come up with something truly significant to celebrate... something I truly miss about "us"... and I couldn't think of anything. We had "okay" times, decent moments. Times I once believed were significant but in hindsight were really just experiences I wish I was experiencing with someone who understood why it was important. I thought about how we would argue and instead of resolving the issue, we'd just go to bed (there really isn't a resolution to the fact that two people just aren't meant to be). I always felt that if we could just hold hands... to establish even a minimal connection... if for just a minute, while we lay there- even if we had already drifted away to sleep... that we were still okay. I don't think he ever understood why holding his hand was so important to me.

He never understood my need... my overwhelming need... for that kind of connection. Or why a kiss was so important... or why I believed that certain speech should only be reserved for someone you love and how you shouldn't use the same language with someone you love as you would with a stranger on the street. And it may sound silly, but it's my silliness and if the person who lays down next to me at night and tells me they love me in the morning couldn't appreciate that that was celebration enough for me. If he couldn't see... and if I couldn't convince him that our manifestations of what we said we felt were worth more than just the feelings we claimed to have inside, then maybe we both needed to check our feelings. Because people say "I love you" all day; it's how you treat the person to whom you say it that matters.

So I guess my question to him, and to myself... minus this summer's drama... even forgeting about the cheating and the lying and the whatever else kinda betrayal... if I still can't think of anything great about what we thought we had... then what exactly do we have to celebrate?

The End

So, I "stumble" all day at work right.... today it got bad- like I was pressing the stumble button repeatedly for 2 hours straight when I finally stumbled upon this page.

I honestly had to pause for a minute like, that's a joke right?

How To Make Someone Fall in Love With You

I read this article today by Tracey Cox, the author of SuperFlirt, titled "5 Ways to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You" and I have to admit, this Cox lady may be on to something...

You'd be surprised to know (you'd be, I wouldn't) that doing nice things for someone will have an adverse affect on the falling in love process.

You'd also be surprised to know just how much eye contact really means.

Here's the link so you can read it for yourself: The Link

True, it's about the manipulation of emotions and brain waves and what have you... and maybe that's wrong but I think (and I think you'd agree) that the results can be oh so right...

In fact, I'll be trying these techniques out ASAP so boys beware!!

It's All Gone!!

I cut all of my hair off... like completely off!
It doesn't mean much to you because I've never posted any pictures of myself on here (one day I will).
But I went from shoulder length to eye length in just minutes!

I kinda like it.
It's an adjustment.
I'm wondering will the boys still think I'm pretty lol....

But really, I am kinda wondering....

I have a terrible attitude today.
I haven't slept well in a few nights.
I think that's it for now.

Blacks Don't Read

A friend forwarded an article to me today supposedly authored by Dee Lee of Harvard Financial Educators.


I am relunctant to post this article; however, it is necessary in order to understand my response to it.


THEY ARE STILL OUR SLAVES
We can continue to reap profits from the Blacks without the effort of physical slavery Look at the current
methods of containment that they use on themselves: IGNORANCE, GREED, and SELFISHNESS. Their

IGNORANCE is the primary weapon of containment. A grea t man once said, "The best way to hide something from Black people is to put it in a book." We now live in the Information Age. They have gained the opportunity to read any book on any subject through the efforts of theirfight for freedom, yet they refuse to read. There are numerous books readily available at Borders, Barnes & Noble, and Amazon.com, not to mention their own Black Bookstores that provide solid blueprints to reach economic equality (which should have been their fight all along), but few read consistently, if at all.


GREED is another powerful weapon of containment. Blacks, since the abolition of slavery, have had large amounts of money at their disposal. Last year they spent 10 billion dollars during Christmas, out of their450 billion dollars in total yearly income (2.22%). Any of us can use them as our target market, for any business venture we care to dream up, no matter how outlandish, they will buy into it. Being primarily a consumer people, they function totally by greed. Theycontinually want more, with little thought for saving or investing. They would rather buy some new sneaker than invest in starting a business. Some even neglect their children to have the latest Tommy or FUBU, And they still think that having a Mercedes, and a big house gives them "Status" or that they have achieved their Dream. They are fools! The vast majority of their people are still in poverty because their greed holds them back from collectively making bettercommunities. With the help of BET, and the rest of their black media that often broadcasts destructive images into their own homes, we will continue tosee huge profits like those of Tommy and Nike. (Tommy Hilfiger has even jeered them, saying he doesn't want their money, and look at how thefools spend more with him tha n ever before!). They'll continue to show off to each other while we build solid communities with the profits from our businesses that we market to them.


SELFISHNESS, ingrained in their minds through slavery, is one of themajor ways we can continue to contain them. One of their own, Dubois said that there was an innate division in their culture. A "Talented Tenth" he called it. He was correct in his deduction that there aresegments of their culture that has achieved some "form" of success.However, that segment missed the fullness of his work. They didn't read that the "Talented Tenth" was then responsible to aid The Non-Talented Ninety Percent in achieving a better life. Instead, that segment hascreated another class, a Buppie class that looks down on their people or aids them in a condescending manner. They will never achieve what wehave. Their selfishness does not allow them to be able to work togetheron any project or endeavor of substance. When they do get tog ether, their selfishness lets their egos get in the way of their goal Their so-called help organizations seem to only want to promote their name without making any real change in their community. They are content to sit in conferences and conventions in our hotels, and talk about what they will do, while they award plaques to the bests peakers, not to the best doers. Is there no end to their selfishness?


They steadfastly refuse to see that TOGETHER EACH ACHIEVES MORE (TEAM) They do not understand that they are no better than each other becauseof what they own, as a matter of fact, most of those Buppies are butone or two pay checks away from poverty. All of which is under the control of our pens in our offices and our rooms.Yes, we will continue to contain them as long as they refuse to re ad,continue to buy anything they want, and keep thinking they are "helping"their communities b y paying dues to organizations which do little otherthan hold lavish conventions in our hotels. By the way, don't worryabout any of them reading this letter, remember, 'THEY DON'T READ!!!! (Prove them wrong. Please pass this on! After Reading it..)


I hate shit like this. Please, friends, do me a favor... do not send me this kind of bullshit. Do not send ANYONE this kind of bullshit. But, since you did..... This is what I have to say:


The only thing accurate about this article is the fact that Dee Lee actually does work for Harvard Financial Educators. She; however, has stated, which I believe, that she neither authored this foolishness nor has she wasted any of her valuable time reading it. I wish I could say the same.

This article is a gross exageration and a complete misinterpretation of the state of Black America. I didn't even want to validate this article with a response; however, it irked me on such a level that as a member of Dubois' Talented Tenth, I felt it my responsibility. Contrary to what the article would have you believe, most of us haven't missed the boat. We understand that we are charged with the difficult task of dissemenating resources to the rest of our community, picking up where government and public education has failed. Unfortunately, this myth that we are either incapable of doing so or too ignorant to understand the importance of doing so is embedded in the minds of so many, both inside and outside the race.

We have been so thwarted by messages such as these that we have come to forget the many accomplishments and achievements of our people. The "crab in a barrel" myth has persisted for so long and with little dissent as to its legitimacy that we've come to accept it as fact; failing to remember the many times, from the Middle Passage to today, that Blacks have joined together and collectively altered their situation. One solitary example is during the Reconstruction period, 66,418 Blacks voted in South Carolina in November 1867, and every Black voted for a constitutional convention... essentially, the Black future.

The mentality that Blacks either can't do or won't do for their people is exactly what they would like for you to believe. This crab in the barrel notion only serves to further divide the supposed Talented Tenth from the rest of the community, and I use "supposed" because you aren't really talented if you can't see pass this myth.

The idea that Black people are in this perpetual state of discord only serves to invalidate the many authors, those in academia, those who have not only written but also self published, and the many other well-educated and well-read people of African descent throughout the Diaspora. This article discredits the works of Asa Hilliard, Carter G. Woodson, Lerone Bennett, Jr., Oscar Michaeux, Martin Luther King, Jr., Frederick Douglas, Marcus Garvey, W.E.B. Dubois, Malcolm X, Nikki Giovanni, Maya Angelou, Cornell West, Kwame Nkrumah, Assante Shakur, James Brown (yeah, I said... remember, Say It Loud, I'm Black and I'm Proud?), Nat Turner, Dr. Maulana Karenga, James Baldwin, Sam Greenlee, Zora Neale Hurston, Toni Morrison, Ivan Van Sertima, John Hope Franklin.... if you don't know these names, please look them up.

The thing that really got me were the messages that people wrote as they forwarded the email... like, "So true". Are you kidding me? What truth do you find in an article that is not based on any facts?

It's very easy to write a letter pointing out what you think the problem is; it's a little harded to do the research or present some statistics; and it's even more difficult to present possible solutions.

I'm wondering, how many people who have forwarded this letter have also done something positive within the community. How many times have they actually done something rather than just simply say or think something. Instead of forwarding these types of counteractive messages, do something. Read a book. Buy a book for your neighbor. Educate yourself and then pass that knowledge onto someone else. Just don't go buying any Clarence Thomas memoirs... that too would be a disservice to your community.

Oh, Those Summer Nights...

The summer before my 20th birthday, I fell in love with a man who at the time was everything I thought a man should be...

We met on a Saturday night. I was leaving a party when one of my guy friends recognized him. I stood there in a romantic daze as they exchanged pleasantries. I had never before or ever since felt so overwhelmed by a feeling or so compelled to know someone.

"Aren't you going to introduce me to your friend?"

We had dinner the next night and by the following morning, we were inseparable.

We moved way too fast but I think that's why we had so much fun.
I loved him after the first 10 ten minutes of our first date.

I would go over to his apartment and sit with him on his beige leather sofa. He'd let me talk for hours on end about anything I wanted. And if ever he had to move from that sofa, I followed him. That was one of the things he adored about me. I don't think I could have not followed him... I never wanted to be too far away from him, my heart couldn't stand any distance between us.

I loved how he listened to every single word as if it were the most important word he had ever heard. I had never before and haven't since had such an incredible experience with someone.
Before then, I didn't fully understand the importance or even the possibility of relating to someone on so many levels.

We ended quite badly... that's a post for a different day. Today, I was just thinking about him and how it felt to be adored. I had long put those feelings behind me, I had almost forgotten they were possible. In the end, I realized that it wasn't perfect... but for a time, it really was...

Cafe Conversations

I began typical S.A.D. self destruction yesterday by eating at Chipotle, not just once- but twice. So, 1500 + 1500 + whatever else I ate equals upwards of 4000 calories in just one day. I even said to myself... on my second trip, I might as well just get fat... Not a good attitude to have.

Today, I decided against morbid obesity and instead opted to stay in the office and eat my one crab cake. So, there I went into the cafe to sit with my fellow co-workers who were already heavily engaged in a conversation.

Coworker A: Banter, Banter, Banter...

Coworker B: More Banter, More Banter...

I have a seat.

Coworker A: Is there anything that your boyfriend does that just really irritates you?

Coworker B: Plenty. Like whenever we watch football together... he hates the Ravens and I'm like why and he's like because I'm from D.C. but I'm like, I don't hate the Redskins so I don't get why he would hate the Ravens but he's like...

And this goes on and on until they finally direct the question towards me....

I think for a minute...
And I'm trying to come up with something good to say....
Something that won't make him sound like a complete asshole....
Like maybe I won't say how irritated I was when he drank too much the night before our anniversary so we couldn't go out...
Or maybe I'll keep to myself how irritated I was when he drank too much on Valentines and we couldn't have sex...
I realize, there is no good way for me to answer this question.

Me: Hmm... something that used to irritate me about him... I'd have to go with the sleeping around. Yeah, definitely the sleeping around.

There's silence.
And then they resume the conversation.... except now I realize they were just talking about in terms of football...

Damn. I should have just told them he was a Patriots fan and let them come to their own conclusions about our relationship...

God, The Universe, Whatever Else, and Her

I began this post on 9/18/07 and never finished. While you're hanging out in the September archives, look around a bit. There's some interesting stuff there.

Enjoy.

Woman Poem

you see, my whole life
is tied up
to unhappiness
it's father cooking breakfast
and me getting fat as a hog
or having no food
at all and father proving
his incompetence
again
i wish i knew how it would feel
to be free

it's having a job
they wont' let you work
or no work at all
castrating me
(yes it happens to women too)

it's a sex object if you're pretty
and no love
or love and no sex if you're fat
get back fat black woman be a mother
grandmother strong thing but not woman
gameswoman romantic woman love needer
man seeker dick eater sweat getter
fuck needing love seeking woman

it's a hole in your shoe
and buying lil' sis a dress
and her saying you shouldn't
when you know
all too well- that you shouldn't

but smiles are only something we give
to properly dressed social workers
not each other
only smiles of i know
your game sister
which isn't really
a smile

joy is finding a pregnant roach
and squashing it
not finding someone to hold
let go get off get back don't turn
me on you black dog
how dare you care
about me
you ain't got no good sense
cause i ain't shit you must be lower
than that to care

it's a filthy house
with yesterday's watermelon
and monday's tears
cause true ladies don't
know how to clean

it's intellectual devastation
of everybody
to avoid emotional commitment
"yeah honey i would've married
him but he didn't have no degree"

it's knock-kneed mini-skirted
wig wearing died blond mamma's scar
born dead my scorn your whore
rough heeled broken nailed powdered
face me
whose whole life is tied
up to unhappiness
cause it's the only
for real thing
i
know

Bad Girls

I misbehave... a lot.

I am sooo not P.C.

I drink and curse like a sailor.

I embellish when I tell stories.

I speed.

I gossip.

I've stayed the night in a precint.

I am a sexual deviant.

"Easy is an adjective used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man."--Nancy Linn Desmond

In the 8th grade, I got my first detention for being "prone to mischief"; this meaningthey didn't know exactly what I had done, but they knew I was guilty. I didn't know either, but deep down I knew they were right.

I spent my formative years at a party. I lived with my dad, a former recovering alcoholic, until I was about 5 years old. Every night our two bedroom apartment was filled with laughter, smoke, music, and beer and I was always the cute kid in pajamas who didn't want to go to sleep... and usually, I didn't have to. It was always a very fun atmosphere, but maybe not the best one in which to raise a child.

I've sometimes wondered if my mis-behavior was hereditary. I'm the only daughter of a hot-tempered alcholic and a schizophrenic addict so maybe it's only fitting that I act out... even when I don't intend to.

And that's the thing about bad behavior... it just happens. It happens almost like it has to. I find myself in situations where the only thing that can be done- is bad. Soon people begin to expect it from you... and if promiscuity, even in its mildest of forms, is apart of your role, before long, men start to feel entitled to it. Before long, your body is no longer your body and you're a bitch if you try to reclaim it... but still a slut if you don't. So you make a choice, if you're a slut they'll still smile at you, but if you're a bitch you may keep some self-respect. Doesn't seem like it should be that hard... until you're there, alone...and probably drunk.

I've found myself in situations that I didn't know how to get out of... I didn't even know how I had gotten there. I've said no... and had it not matter and I've brushed it off like it wasn't that bad. I told myself that was only way to hold onto some power amid the helplessness I felt. I've spent my entire life disassociating myself from pain, from sex, from even love. That's the real disservice of bad behavior.

I've learned that if you didn't cry, wasn't bruised, or was too drunk to know the difference then you consented. Sometimes the world is a dangerous place to be.

While men score points, women earn reputations... and humiliation. Boys will be boys and girls will be whores.

"The road to finding "the one" is paved with a bit of promiscuity" --Ryan Erickson

I've loved when I shouldn't have.

I've given more than I've received.

I didn't let go when it was over.

I was silent when I should have spoken.

I've allowed myself to be used.

These too are manifestations of my bad behavior.

In all the bad that I have done; however, I've still held firmly onto certain values. I have a strong sense of integrity. I don't cheat. I don't lie about anything important. I don't play with people's emotions. I'm fairly certain that the cure for all the world's ills is kindness... and I try to practice it daily.

On a number of occassions, being bad has actually been the right thing to do. Badness has allowed me to speak out against things I felt were wrong without worrying about the consequences. It has fueled many of my passions. It has given me the courage to be audacious when the world rathered me shameful and disqualified.

I party hard.
I dance like a stripper.
I drink like a man.
I use words that would make real ladies blush.

I misbehave because I can. Because I want to. Because I have to. Because when I do, you're shocked. Because I'm shocked. Because bad behavior is instrinsic to the female experience. Because belief predates action and experience is the only true wisdom.

"When I'm good, I'm very, very good. But when I'm bad, I'm better"--Mae West