I could love you if you let me...

Nightclubbed again Thursday night. Hoped I would see him although I figured he wouldn't show since he knew I frequented this particular venue... much to my surprise, he did. Did the whole cat and mouse bit where I pretended that I didn't see him walk through the door.... didn't see him standing right across from me... eventually got bored and decided to walk over... except be real cool about this time.

I've always been the type to let things go easily, even when I probably shouldn't, and our "relationship" is so conducive to that kind of behavior. He acted as if last week never happened (the crazy part at least)... every time I see him, he acts as if he didn't just flip out the day before or that he didn't pretty much abandon me during a time when I needed him most... and because I only want to be with him, it makes "forgiving" him so much easier if what I'm forgiving him for never actually happened... On the other hand... it's confusing to my broken heart who doesn't understand why she's so broken if he's so wonderful...

And he is wonderful, at times... at times when he's telling me how beautiful and intelligent I am and how we're going to be together... how much potential I have... how much he cares that I register for classes this fall and actually graduate...

But then sometimes he changes... and I can almost always pinpoint when it's going to happen so now I've learned to distance myself from him after awhile.

"What are you doing after this?"

"Going home and getting in the bed..."

"With me?"

"That would be nice..."

I decide not to go though. The night has been decent... we danced... I was invited to go to the diner afterwards... if I did go, we'd eat and then go back to his house where he'd have sex with me and I'd make love to him.... and then what? The only next logical step (when it comes to him) is to argue... that's IF we make it out of the diner without an argument-- who knows, somebody might look at me again.... So I go home instead and think about him... and how I knew all too well where seeing him again would lead me.



...I want your warmth but it will only make me colder when it's over.... so I can't tonite...
...only kisses on the cheek from now on and in a little while we'll only have to wave...