A Natural Woman

I am a natural woman
Who dreams natural dreams
And does only what a natural woman should
Which is why I love you
Because that is the only natural thing to do




These words just came to me....
They aren't for anyone in particular...

Nikki Giovanni

there is a hunger
often associated with pain
that you feel
when you look at someone
you used to love and enjoyed
loving and want
to love again
though you know you can't
that gnaws at you
as steadily as a mosquito
some michigan summer
churning his wings
through your window screen

because the real world made up of

baby clothes to be washed
food to be cooked
lullabies to be sung
smiles to be glowed
hair to be plaited
ribbons to be bowed
coffee to be drunk
books to be read
tears to be cried
loneliness to be borne

says you are a strong woman
and anyway he never thought you'd really miss him

Superwoman and Other Black Super Heroes

I was listenening to a lady on the radio yesterday and she was talking about the importance of being a strong black woman and more importantly, raising our daughters to be strong black women.

It got me thinking about what that actually means... to be strong. I consider myself to be a strong woman. I've overcome adversities. I walk proudly, with my head held high despite having to often deal with less than perfect circumstances. I work hard. I pay my own bills. I'm self-sufficient both financially and emotionally. But... I'm also strong enough to realize and to admit that I, just like every other person, have a breaking point.

So what does it mean to be strong? From what I have seen in our community, we're equating strength with the ability to handle situations that are most often degrading and dehumanizing. By strength, too often we mean the ability to tolerate abuse, repress fear and emotion, to raise our children alone, to not need to be comforted, to essentially disassociate ourselves with what it means to be human or feminine... or even women.

If being strong means accepting life's bullshit, giving all of yourself, and not receiving or even expecting anything in return then I plan to remain content in weakness. And it's okay. It's okay to need people. It's okay to need to be loved... or to need to love someone else. It's okay to need friends. It's okay to need support. It's okay to want a man around to help raise your children. It's okay to be human; it's okay to be women.

There are times when I feel like I'm losing my mind and I just need someone there to listen to me talk... and when I'm afraid, I need someone to hold me and listen to me breathe. Mostly, I need to know that the person I lay next to at night, who I love and adore, loves and adores me for all that I am, despite my needs or maybe even for them...

I'm just saying, it's fine to be comfortable on your own, raising your children on your own, and anything else you want to do/have to do by yourself... but it's also fine not to and it doesn't make you any less of a phenomenal woman; if anything, knowing yourself and expressing yourself makes you more of one.


**This is in no way meant to downgrade the importance of being a "strong woman"... Life can be pretty ridiculous sometimes and it is important that we as women, particularly Black women, are equipped with the inner strength and self validation to be able to overcome certain circumstances but we mustn't start accepting those times as the norm... we just tolerate so much that after awhile it's like we expect it... and accept it... but that doesn't make it right. And I absolutely do not intend to downplay the stamina, resourcefulness, and talent it takes to really raise a child alone.

Head Over Heels Stupid

Spoke with B last nite. Enjoyed it immensely. Thinking maybe I shouldn't have.

He said I sounded really happy... and that he was only content. Also noted, without getting too into it, that he had not fully moved on b/c as he put it, our break-up had "nothing to do with me"... I almost wanted to remind him of how full of shit he was that day when he tried to actually blame it all on me... decided not to, wanted to keep sounding happy...

Told him of my Paris plan in a very light hearted way that went the tune of, "remember a couple years ago when I wanted to go to Paris but I met someone and fell head over heels and decided that I never wanted to leave him? Well, I've decided that was stupid..."

To which he responded, "What if that person was to persuade you to stay?" Which sounded really dumb because a) he doesn't really care... I haven't seen him since September, for all he knows I could have already left and b) it's 6 weeks, I'll be back before anyone realizes I'm gone...
Anyway.... the point is that I enjoyed speaking with him... in a way that makes me wish I hadn't though.

It's like that poem by Nikki Giovanni... like, I really enjoyed loving him... and when we speak I get this feeling like I miss loving him and wish I could go back to loving him.... except, there's just too much there. Too much has gone wrong and I'm too busy loving me and trying to do what's best for me to allow myself to make the mistake of loving him in that way again-- and it's a very low feeling to know that you can never go back to how you once were with someone you once thought you'd be going so far with...








But anyway... again, here's my countdown.... for Paris...

My New Years Resolution

I got to thinking last night about my life and the people whom I've allowed to grace, or rather disgrace, it.... and it occured to me that for a very long time, I've been at the losing end of most of these "relationships" and perhaps it's time to end that losing streak.

I'm doing a whole lotta typing to say something real simple...

...and that is, now that I've mastered being single, I think it's time for me to try on celibate.... for '08.

I'm thinking... I'm looking for real, ridiculous, inconvenient, can't live without you kinda love and now it just feels like I'm giving me and not receiving anything that I want in return... like, anything-- and I'm not just talking love there... anything. So that's it. I'm done. Fin.

Consider it like a strike.... you know, until conditions improve...

Happy Belated New Year

I actually began a post the day after New Year's....a lovely post about a lovely time I had in Washington D.C. with a highly entertaining and quite adorable fellow from Kentucky.

Yes, 'tis true... we met (kinda) over 4 minute dating (yes, it has gotten that bad)...

Well, actually, I met two of his friends over 4 minute dating... it was almost our turn to have our own "date" but my cousin decided abruptly that she had had enough and it was then time for dancing and shots...

So we left, but not without our new found friends... who eventually left us- partially because my cousin was making fun of one of them and because we were taking too long in joining them for the dancing.

But no real lost because while my family was off doing whatever it is that they were doing, my highly entertaining and quite adorable fellow from Kentucky found me!

Yadda yadda yadda.... we brought in the New Year... there was a kiss... quite possibly another kiss... more dancing... to my surprise less drinking (he doesn't and I didn't want to look like a lush)... and sometime around 9 am we said goodbye.

We've spoken since... our tentative plan is for me to graduate and move to Kentucky, get married upon arrival, and have 3 babies- he was very specific about having 3. I say, what heck! Why not?

Anyway... looking forward to '08... haven't made any real resolutions but contemplated swearing off men.... at least for awhile... still thinking it might be a good idea...

Spring semester will be beginning soon.... sadly, I will have to leave my job- my schedule won't allow working full time day time hours... will miss everyone here greatly.

And lastly, I would like to point out that it is now January which means my love life (or lack thereof) should be turning around... here's hoping that my sex life decides to turn too...