Nobody knows me at all....

All I ever wanted was for just one person to know who I am...

I could love you if you let me...

Nightclubbed again Thursday night. Hoped I would see him although I figured he wouldn't show since he knew I frequented this particular venue... much to my surprise, he did. Did the whole cat and mouse bit where I pretended that I didn't see him walk through the door.... didn't see him standing right across from me... eventually got bored and decided to walk over... except be real cool about this time.

I've always been the type to let things go easily, even when I probably shouldn't, and our "relationship" is so conducive to that kind of behavior. He acted as if last week never happened (the crazy part at least)... every time I see him, he acts as if he didn't just flip out the day before or that he didn't pretty much abandon me during a time when I needed him most... and because I only want to be with him, it makes "forgiving" him so much easier if what I'm forgiving him for never actually happened... On the other hand... it's confusing to my broken heart who doesn't understand why she's so broken if he's so wonderful...

And he is wonderful, at times... at times when he's telling me how beautiful and intelligent I am and how we're going to be together... how much potential I have... how much he cares that I register for classes this fall and actually graduate...

But then sometimes he changes... and I can almost always pinpoint when it's going to happen so now I've learned to distance myself from him after awhile.

"What are you doing after this?"

"Going home and getting in the bed..."

"With me?"

"That would be nice..."

I decide not to go though. The night has been decent... we danced... I was invited to go to the diner afterwards... if I did go, we'd eat and then go back to his house where he'd have sex with me and I'd make love to him.... and then what? The only next logical step (when it comes to him) is to argue... that's IF we make it out of the diner without an argument-- who knows, somebody might look at me again.... So I go home instead and think about him... and how I knew all too well where seeing him again would lead me.



...I want your warmth but it will only make me colder when it's over.... so I can't tonite...
...only kisses on the cheek from now on and in a little while we'll only have to wave...

The Hair of the Matter

Me: My hair is finally growing back...

ROD: Yeah, that was the first thing I noticed. I don't know why you cut it in the first place.

Me: I had just suffered a bad breakup, I needed a change...

ROD: So you're going to cut your hair off every time someone hurts your feelings?

Me: If I did after today I'd probably be bald...

Drunkeness and Co-Dependency

Anyone else so totally over 2008??

It's like the year that just won't end...
An uninvited guest that just won't go home...
A headache that won't go away....

...or an ex that you keep running into....

So, decided to go out Thursday night... to a nightclub downtown. Wasn't too thrilled about going... spent last hour on hair, make-up, and a "who cares if he never calls again" pep talk. Because really, who cares?? Clearly, not me.... right?

Wrong...

20 minutes after our arrival, who do I see at the bar? You guessed it, ROD... in the flesh.
I try to remain cool and collected (which really isn't in my skill set)...
I don't sas-shay over to say hello...
I don't saunter over to the next guy and dance...
I don't flash a sexy smile and keep it moving...

No... I stand there... like a deer in headlights... like a girl who isn't over it yet...

Tangent: I won't go into the humiliating details of the rise and fall of ROD and I, just know they were bad- terrible even. Think of the most horrific tale of male/female relationships... multiply that by Pi and square it a few times... you'll probably then have a vague idea of the bullshit I went through with him... End tangent.

I'll try to make this brief... he comes over, says hello... I fall right back in love... we have a ball (and a few too many drinks). We leave together.

Next day: Everything is great... or as great as they can be when you're dealing with a certified bipolar asshole. We clean his room together, run errands, I drive... everything my co-dependent self needs... Our last stop... at a restaurant, we have a fight. Not exactly the fight of all fights... we're known to have full fledge battles in public places...

No, this time we weren't the loud couple disturbing all the neighbors. We were the quiet couple in the corner with the girl who's crying because her date is telling her how they're not together (although she already knew)... how he won't be there for her (although she already knew)... how he doesn't need her... how his life doesn't concern her... how he's going to take her home and come back to the restaurant alone because he just can't deal with her emotions...

"To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little..." --Helen Rowland


I think he saw my feelings and decided to hurt every single one... I sit here today and try to get over it. I can't let him get to me too much. The hurt does run deep... there's clearly more to our story than I'm willing to write here... but I can't let him affect me this much. He is who he is. Although, a smart woman would let him be who is with somebody else...

"What's with you Southern girls... You can't seem to make the right decision until you've tried all the wrong ones..."

Woke up this morning (drunk) and decided to be crazy. Drove to ROD's house... was greeted by his father. Called ROD from father's phone; lied- "I'm moving to a different state, I just wanted to say bye before I left"... was told that he needed to see me ASAP (also a lie)... told also to leave house, go back to own house and call him so that he could stop by. Eventually called (many hours later), was told that I would be called "right back".... many hours later, still waiting on the "right back".

What's wrong with me? Am I crazy for him or just plain crazy??