Last Night I Had a Dream

Most significant line from said dream:
I think I might kinda love you...
I love you too...

Moving on...

Had a thought last night about my current dating situation (or lack thereof).... have concluded that possibly, I am dating the same [wrong] guy over and over... and moreover, perhaps we're all dating the same [wrong] guy over and over.

Realized many years ago that I am one of those girls who dates her "dad"... and most sadly, I have the same relationship with these men that I have with my father.

B was incredibly unreliable and I received very little validation from him; therefore, I tried even harder to convince him to love me and much like I am with my father, I tried to be his mother. That's so very odd... I try to be my father's mother... hmm.... what does it mean?

ROD- unreliable and distant... most prefers to be alone- much like my father. And also like my father- he doesn't need me. As much as I try to be my father's mother, mostly he just pushes me away. Since my father loves me, he does occasionally indulge me a bit and allow me to pick out clothes and cook food for him and try to solve his problems... but mostly, he's a grown man capable of dealing with his own dilemmas...

I'm just wondering now, what facet of my father's personality am I going to try and date next...

Scary...

Meet Me in St. Louis

Still in St. Louis. Planning to go to San Francisco at the end of the month... and possibly to Las Vegas... I'm not sure if the latter was just a drunk plan though. A guy friend of mine kinda invited (I say kinda because he was drunk) and I kinda accepted the invitation (I say kinda because I was drunk) and then we both drunkenly discussed all the fun we would have... Not really sure if it's a good idea- Vegas does something to you- I think it's something in the water.

I told my Grandmother that I might go... she sounded kinda worried- she was probably thinking about July when we went and I didn't come home until a month later... who knows what could happen this time. Sometimes I wish I had self control. Sometimes I'm glad I don't.

Have talked to a new friend. Excited but not really. Am I on the rebound? I'm not really sure. I know I'll wait a while... think about it... be certain about where my head is right now before I try to develop anything for real.

Having difficulty being excited about anything today. Haven't felt this down in weeks... hope it doesn't last. Thinking about my future lately- which may be why I'm down... My future plans involve the possibility of $40,000 - $60,000 worth of added school loan debt but it is a good future plan so I know that it's worth it, I'm just not sure if right now is the time. Once again, I need to evaluate my situation and make sure that I'm really ready to embark on something new... a new plan, a new city, a new life...

Trying to think positively. I know that things will work out. I'm very hopeful. I just have to be realistic about where and when to begin.

Wine Thief

So... I'm still in St. Louis....

A few weeks ago (before I got here) there was a cookout.

At said cookout, there was wine.

Wine that nobody particularly enjoyed.

So it was saved.

And worse... refridgerated...

And I drank it....

All of it...

It was a large bottle....

A sip was taken out of it before I discovered it....

I finished the rest...

Which isn't odd...

Except it wasn't mine...

It was theres...

And I'm a guest....

Because this is about Me... not what YOU think of Me...

Sorry if my title is a little off putting but I received an email the other day from a friend...
I should say that my friend already knows how I feel and knows that I am blogging about our issue...

But my said friend thought perhaps it wasn't such a good idea to express so much of myself in such a public forum... to which I told this friend (in a much more polite way) that this blog is about me... and not about what people think of me.

Frankly, I could care less what most people think about me. I have done some shit in my life. Some illegal shit, some immoral shit, some really strange shit... and I don't care. I've lived... and that's more than I can say about most of the people who care about others judging them.

As far as the stuff I write her... let me tell you, it isn't the half! I write what I need to write- at least mostly. I didn't tell you all that happened between me and ROD, I didn't tell you all about the court case, I don't write all about my mother or my father, and I don't write ALL about therapy... just as much as I need to stay sane. So if somebody judges me because I'm on antidepressants- fuck 'em. That's narrowminded and ignorant.

I just wanted the people who truly care about me- unconditionally- to know that things are getting better for me. I thank everyone who helped me get here... and I blame no one who posed as an obstacle. I truly believe everything that has happened thus far has happened for a greater reason and that reason is slowly being revealed to me.

Much love to all!!!

The Obsession... Continued...

Have been on vacay in St. Louis for the last couple of weeks. Planning on staying another couple of weeks. Started antidepressants- feeling good... a little worried about whether or not I'm feeling good because I'm away from the city, away from the stress, living carefree with 3 squares a day and cable again. Worried that once I get back to Baltimore, all of this will go away...

Have thought about ROD... tried not to but it's difficult. Thought about all the funny times... I miss him so much. I wish people could've witnessed the times I miss... not the ones I talked about when I was upset. For a time he really liked me... and that's what I miss the most. Somehow, I let something shift and I became this pathetic dependent something that needed him to love me when he did love me at one time... before I became insecure about it... Not that it was my fault, how could I not be insecure... I just wish things would have been different.

I miss all of that.

I'm trying to get over it. I need to get over it... which is why I can't go home. I can't go back to Baltimore, not right now. Not while I still know where to find him. I can't go back until I don't need to find him anymore. Until I need to find someone that I don't have to make love me. Who won't love me, of course... or love me, despite... just love me... maybe even because.