On Resistance and Persistance

Efforts to trap SFA into a real relationship have prove futile as of late.
He has yet to admit that I'm his real life legitimate girlfriend despite the fact that wer'e together every weekend and many days throughout the weekend.
Have decided to remind him of how much of a hot commodity I really am and have made myself scarce. I've been told that men respond quite well to that tactic.

He has however admitted that life is better with me seeing as how without me there would be no sex, no one with whom to reenact episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm, and he would have to eat hot dogs everyday. Although he was accustomed to eating hot dogs everyday before I came along, I think we can all agree that my cajun chicken and shrimp pasta trumps anything he's ever eaten before.

I actually put the law of scarcity into motion this morning when he asked me out on a dinner date and I declined. My good girl friend's birthday is today and I absolutely have to attend her dinner celebration. It's an all girls affair as well so no bringing of the psuedo boyfriends. It felt good to say no. The look on his face was priceless. It also let me know that up until now, I've made myself far too available. He was taking it for granted. Have made tentative plans for dinner Friday night... will spend the night; however, will leave by 10am for a new yoga class I'm joining. He'll be surprised by that as well. Would like to spend Saturday night together; however, have made plans for another girl's night. Will see "He's Just Not That Into You"... will pray that I will not learn that SFA is not that into me.

Either way, I am rescind to the fact that men can be stupid and will miss out on good things... I'm prepared to walk away at... Although I do think he's wonderful and wish not to have to walk away from him.... would much rather walk next to him, preferrably holding his hand...

Just Thought I'd Share

I'm in loooovvveeee....


...or something like it

Paul and Other Stories With Not So Happy Endings...

I'm about to tell you a secret... promise not to tell...

It's 5am and I'm still awake... and I'm smoking a cigarette (I habit I picked up the night of the night of the situation) and I'm thinking about who else, but Paul...

I know I shouldn't but I can't help it... I'm also watching Breakfast at Tiffany's... something else I do when I can't sleep... and something else that now reminds me of Paul, after all- that is where I found his name...

He reminds me somewhat of one of my favorite poems.

I shouldn't think of him at all.

Except perhaps if things were different... perhaps if we were different... Then perhaps things could have worked out between us.

At least we could have had more fun, at least for a time...

We may or may not have a lunch date today. That's kinda the way of things between us... a lot of "may or may not" dates... So typical of me.

He's the same guy I've been trying to date my entire life. He's B, he's ROD... he's my father. Kind and reserved but unavailable. Oblivious to my feelings, unreliable, attached to someone or something else other than me. Often times it's money, often it's women, mostly it's both.

He's exactly the man I need not to date.

Anyway, the cigarette helped. Perhaps now I can fall asleep...


Oh, and both Paul and the cigarette are the secret you must now keep...

It Must Be January...

I don't know what to really say. I feel so bipolar today. Maybe it's PMS. Either way, I'm vacillating between extreme joy and extreme sadness.

...I have my reasons.

It's January. January 14th. This was supposed to be a very exciting time in my life. Instead it's heartbreaking. Even if I wanted to discuss it, I wouldn't have anyone to discuss it with. And my antidepressants won't let me cry about it. I can't feel the sadness that I want to feel. I want to be real down... and cry all afternoon about it.... but I can't. This should be a blessing, but it isn't.

I'm so happy.... SFA and I get along so well. I was beginning to really really really like him until tonite when I was forced to open up about how I feel... I used to be good at that. I never had any problem putting myself in vulnerable positions. I guess you live and learn... Mostly you learn to be afraid and untrusting... and sometimes even unwilling. I never wanted that for myself but self preservation is the backbone of the human condition.
We had a talk and I felt so uncomfortable afterwards... so uncomfortable that 5 hours later (4 am), I'm still awake thinking about it... and about how I could use a drink...

What was the talk about, you ask? Well... we're back to talking about how I gave it up too soon...
SFA wants to know "the thought process behind it". Those are his words. Basically, he wants to know if I give it up to everyone that quick. How can I tell him what he wants to hear while still being true to myself? And by true to myself I mean... who is he to judge me? I fully agree that there is something sacred and special about sex and that that type of intimacy should not be shared "just because" but I also believe that by intentionally "holding out", you're actually comodifying sex to the point where it trumps other equally important factors in a relationship- like friendship for example. Friendship is important and I didn't hold out on that...
I don't know... I get what he's saying but I feel like he's driving the point into the ground.
We've spent time together, he knows me, either he wants to move forward with me or he doesn't... Simple, right?

Anyway, my issue was that he's been increasingly more sexual lately... which is wonderful... except, I needed to know if he's subconsciously placing me into the "sex only" category. This is the conversation that left me feeling vulnerable and uncomfortable because I didn't get a clear answer... and I believe that no feeling is unfounded. He even told me that he was starting to think that I thought that. Why would he think that I thought that he was thinking that if he wasn't actually thinking it? You follow me? Read it again, it makes sense.

It's 4am, I gotta get up early... I don't want to have stressful conversations like these... Why can't he just be head over heels in love with me already?!?!?

Better Days

"I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." -- Marilyn Monroe

It's 4am, I'm wide awake, and I'm enjoying every minute of it. I haven't been this excited in such a long time. I keep thinking about that text message, about last night, about this morning...

I'm so happy with how things are turning out. I'm finally getting the joy that I've always deserved and to think I almost missed out on it for something that was never going to work out in my favor.

I haven't spoken to Paul yet this year... I'm not sure if I want to. I think it'd be easier and probably for the best to leave him in '08. I'm trying to be more firm with my decisions and to trust myself more. I felt like what he did to me was wrong, it was cruel, and probably unforgivable. Aside from the situation that he put me in, he didn't have my back... which is fine... for somebody who is no longer in my life. Truthfully, the way I'm feeling right now about SFA... and might I add, how he's also feeling about me... I could give Gucci pump fuck about what did or did not happen with me and Paul.

So pretty much what I'm doing for '09 is not allowing anyone to be reckless with my feelings, not allowing anyone to convince me that my feelings aren't valid, and continuing to live and love my life-- but probably in an even BIGGER way... if that's possible.

Happy New Year!

Spent New Year's Eve with SFA. Went to a posh ultra lounge where I (in SFA's words) prostituted myself for a table... I'd actually be proud of myself had I been able to... but no, I bought us a table at a discounted price. I guess I can celebrate my negotiation skills.

I bought the best scandalous dress for the occasion, short and backless... Unfortunately SFA had to assist me several times with my various wardrobe malfunctions. I was quite the flasher last night.

I don't really have much of a story to tell here... We had a great night... Shared a beautiful midnight kiss... Talked about our budding relationship...

Have made the resolution to become my best self... enjoy what life has to offer... leave all of the bs in '08... and accept the love and joy that I deserve...

Very glad to say that I may be on to something good with SFA...